Edwards, Penny-Lee Amanda
(September, 29 1957 – October, 24 2006)
On the morning of October 24, Penny was called home to live in the house of her Lord.
She passed away very gently and peacefully, in her sleep and in the arms of her husband Michael, after living well in spite of cancer. She is also survived by, and will always be lovingly remembered by her parents Peter and Patricia Guzak, her maternal grandmother Elna Amanda Sparks, sisters and their spouses Pamela with Stanley Hicks, Patricia Guzak, Paula with Dennis Kreba. Her daughters Petra with Robert Valica, Tanya with Jesse Sichkaryk and granddaughters Kylie and Neressa, and her son Peter with Julie Lamanes.
She had a special place in the hearts of, and will be missed by her stepchildren as well. Christopher and Amanda Eveland, Jeffrey and Sarah Eveland, Sean McMahon, and five more grandchildren. Connor, Hannah, Nicolas, Vincent and Alexis.
Penny was born, raised and lived in Edmonton and area all her life to a family that settled in Western Canada at the turn of the last century, and has grown to a large extended family. To all of you that watched her grow up, and that grew up with her. Thank you for the memories.
Penny’s best friends, Fran Robinson, Pam Handley and Lori Neeves have never met, but they all felt Penny was their sister. The special friends Penny made during her struggle with this disease, Gloria, Annie and Adi will miss you until they see you again.
Our dear sweet Penny. You were a role model to so many of us in so many different ways. You will always be with us in spirit, and an inspiration to do the right thing. You showed us how to deal with the tough things in life, like cancer, how to live fully and graciously in spite of it. You reminded us to be grateful for and share what we have, and not to be to hard on ourselves or regret our actions because we did the best we could at that time. You touched a lot of people with your efforts to fight back at the disease called cancer with your website Pennies for Cancer, and left a legacy that can only help others.
You showed us in so many ways what love is, and we are going to share that with everyone who joins together with us next week in remembering your life, and saying farewell. Family and friends are invited to attend a service in celebration of Penny’s life at Millwoods Community Church, 2304-38 Street, Edmonton Alberta on Saturday, November 4, 2006 at 1 PM.
The family would like to extend a very warm and special thank you to the staff on the Palliative Care Unit at Grey Nun’s Hospital in Edmonton. You deserve to have the initials TLC added to the sign that welcomes people to your floor. If they take the hot tub out during the renovations beginning there today, call us. We will do what whatever it takes to get you a new one.
Condolences may be sent to the family at http://serenity.ca/condolences.htm, and in lieu of flowers please consider a memorial donation to the Cross Cancer Institute, Grey Nun’s Hospital, Pennies for Cancer .com or a charity of your choice.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
A Celebration of Life
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Services will be held next week at the following location. In lieu of flowers, memorial donations to the Cross Cancer Institute, Grey Nun’s Hospital, Pennies for Cancer.com or a charity of your choice.
Condolences to the family may be sent to http://serenity.ca/condolences.htm
Celebration of Life
Penny-Lee Amanda Edwards
Saturday, November 4, 2006.
1:00 PM,
Millwoods Community Church
2304-38 Street
Edmonton, Alberta.
Services will be held next week at the following location. In lieu of flowers, memorial donations to the Cross Cancer Institute, Grey Nun’s Hospital, Pennies for Cancer.com or a charity of your choice.
Condolences to the family may be sent to http://serenity.ca/condolences.htm
Celebration of Life
Penny-Lee Amanda Edwards
Saturday, November 4, 2006.
1:00 PM,
Millwoods Community Church
2304-38 Street
Edmonton, Alberta.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
6 AM
Sat down to write this morning and I can’t remember much about Saturday other than Tanya spent the afternoon with us. A doctor came in for an hour or so to chat with Penny and Tanya and I, and Penny made some unusual observations about how she perceived things now. Where she is, where she is going.
I doubt that either of us will ever forget it.
Sunday was a very quiet day and the past couple of nights have been easy on Penny.
I read some of the comments and emails this morning, and thought I might respond to a couple of things.
Penny’s bed, for starters, is a computerized air bed that frequently re-adjusts automatically. I don’t think they have anything better than this. We purchased a dense foam topper like the one Penny had at home for the bed, and that seemed to help a lot. There is nothing else we could possibly do to make it more comfortable for her other than to just get her out of the damn thing once in a while. But she can’t.
And yes, typing this blog for her was very difficult at first. I have not been to work for 2 or 3 weeks now though, and have been living in the hospital room with Penny for the past month. So I did have a lot of time on my hands. I have a cot that I push up against her bed and sleep half on cot, half on Penny’s bed most of the time. The laptop has web access on the phone line in her room, so I can sit here beside her while I am typing this. Having her here beside me while I am typing makes it a lot easier.
It seems lately that Penny has been losing something on a daily basis. Her ability to get out of bed, her vision, the hot tub. Yesterday it was her IV, but with some difficulty they were able to get it hooked up again in the other arm. Today, it is her ability to talk again. It is not like last time when she had the symptoms of a stroke, and seemed out of touch. She is very much aware of what is being said and done, and can shake or nod her head a little, and moan a little louder for emphasis when she wants to say no. She started moaning nonstop in her sleep last night.
1 PM
Doctors were just here for a chat with Mom and Dad and I. Things really took a turn for the worse this morning. Penny was in an enormous amount of discomfort and pain this morning when the nurses had to move her around in bed a little. And they were being very gentle.
They have increased and added to her medication to keep her comfortable. They can go further with it, to make sure she is not awake at all, but she seems unconscious and unaware as it is already.
Her biggest fear of dying, in fact the only fear she felt that I know of is that she would not be able to breathe and would be conscious of that. Awake and suffocating. Even before she was sick she wouldn’t stick her head under water when we were swimming. She is having a great deal of difficulty with her breathing now, and they can’t fix that, but they can fix the awareness and awake part.
She lost a lot today.
Yesterday at this time she was teasing the doctor and I with her wit and humor. The doctor and I walked into the room just after the IV team left and were a little confused at first when we were looking at Penny and realized that she had two IV sites hooked up but they were not attached to anything on the IV pole. We both looked at Penny in confusion, and she smiled and said, ’gotchya’ or ‘got ya’. She knew what was going on, we didn’t. Nurse came in behind us and hooked it up.
10PM
You were right Christopher. It has been much easier writing this blog than having to repeat myself several times when someone inquires about Penny. Most of the people we know and care about read it. In that regard it has been a godsend because I start crying every time I have to talk about her. I cry all the time while I am writing this too, but at least I didn’t have to talk.
I can’t continue to write about it anymore either.
Mom and Dad are planning a memorial service for Penny. When that time comes, and for those of you who may want to join us in collectively saying farewell to Penny, I will post the details on here regarding when and where.
With that exception, this will be the last post in Penny’s blog.
Thank you all again for your kind messages and support.
To the staff at Grey Nun’s Hospital, and especially the staff in Palliative Care, thank you all so very much for everything you did for Penny during our stay with you.
Michael
Sat down to write this morning and I can’t remember much about Saturday other than Tanya spent the afternoon with us. A doctor came in for an hour or so to chat with Penny and Tanya and I, and Penny made some unusual observations about how she perceived things now. Where she is, where she is going.
I doubt that either of us will ever forget it.
Sunday was a very quiet day and the past couple of nights have been easy on Penny.
I read some of the comments and emails this morning, and thought I might respond to a couple of things.
Penny’s bed, for starters, is a computerized air bed that frequently re-adjusts automatically. I don’t think they have anything better than this. We purchased a dense foam topper like the one Penny had at home for the bed, and that seemed to help a lot. There is nothing else we could possibly do to make it more comfortable for her other than to just get her out of the damn thing once in a while. But she can’t.
And yes, typing this blog for her was very difficult at first. I have not been to work for 2 or 3 weeks now though, and have been living in the hospital room with Penny for the past month. So I did have a lot of time on my hands. I have a cot that I push up against her bed and sleep half on cot, half on Penny’s bed most of the time. The laptop has web access on the phone line in her room, so I can sit here beside her while I am typing this. Having her here beside me while I am typing makes it a lot easier.
It seems lately that Penny has been losing something on a daily basis. Her ability to get out of bed, her vision, the hot tub. Yesterday it was her IV, but with some difficulty they were able to get it hooked up again in the other arm. Today, it is her ability to talk again. It is not like last time when she had the symptoms of a stroke, and seemed out of touch. She is very much aware of what is being said and done, and can shake or nod her head a little, and moan a little louder for emphasis when she wants to say no. She started moaning nonstop in her sleep last night.
1 PM
Doctors were just here for a chat with Mom and Dad and I. Things really took a turn for the worse this morning. Penny was in an enormous amount of discomfort and pain this morning when the nurses had to move her around in bed a little. And they were being very gentle.
They have increased and added to her medication to keep her comfortable. They can go further with it, to make sure she is not awake at all, but she seems unconscious and unaware as it is already.
Her biggest fear of dying, in fact the only fear she felt that I know of is that she would not be able to breathe and would be conscious of that. Awake and suffocating. Even before she was sick she wouldn’t stick her head under water when we were swimming. She is having a great deal of difficulty with her breathing now, and they can’t fix that, but they can fix the awareness and awake part.
She lost a lot today.
Yesterday at this time she was teasing the doctor and I with her wit and humor. The doctor and I walked into the room just after the IV team left and were a little confused at first when we were looking at Penny and realized that she had two IV sites hooked up but they were not attached to anything on the IV pole. We both looked at Penny in confusion, and she smiled and said, ’gotchya’ or ‘got ya’. She knew what was going on, we didn’t. Nurse came in behind us and hooked it up.
10PM
You were right Christopher. It has been much easier writing this blog than having to repeat myself several times when someone inquires about Penny. Most of the people we know and care about read it. In that regard it has been a godsend because I start crying every time I have to talk about her. I cry all the time while I am writing this too, but at least I didn’t have to talk.
I can’t continue to write about it anymore either.
Mom and Dad are planning a memorial service for Penny. When that time comes, and for those of you who may want to join us in collectively saying farewell to Penny, I will post the details on here regarding when and where.
With that exception, this will be the last post in Penny’s blog.
Thank you all again for your kind messages and support.
To the staff at Grey Nun’s Hospital, and especially the staff in Palliative Care, thank you all so very much for everything you did for Penny during our stay with you.
Michael
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Saturday, October 21, 2006
1:30 AM
Thursday night was awful, again. Having a real tough time finding a comfortable position. Spent most of the night sitting up, or repositioning. Made it through the day Friday with a breakthrough med because she is having more abdominal pain.
Sleeping comfortably at the moment. Mostly because she just got out of the hot tub again. Another hour long plus floating session.
Paula came up tonight to visit and gave me a hand to get Penny down to the tub, and then back to bed and tucked in.
That may have been Penny’s last hot tub, unfortunately. They are moving the entire palliative care unit downstairs to renovate up here starting Wednesday, and there is no tub on the unit we are moving to. The renovations will take 6 to 8 weeks. She was upset to learn that. The hot tub has been her only reprieve, other than sleep, from the constant discomfort of being stuck in bed.
This afternoon she lost the ability to focus clearly. Having trouble making out faces unless you get quite close to her. That persisted until bedtime.
And if losing the hot tub, and her vision wasn’t enough, she is also having difficulty now drawing fluids through a straw. A very short straw. Just a few sips and she is out of breath.
Penny just woke up and we sat up for a while. Her breathing is so raspy that I can feel it vibrate right through me when she leans on me to sit up in bed. She started taking some meds for that today. Sitting isn’t helping much tonight though, so she is calling for breakthrough meds again right now. That’s twice today.
That is not a good sign.
She was inserting one or two word punch lines into the conversation we had with Paula tonight. There is nothing wrong with her sense of humor. And she still manages a smile for everyone that comes to the room to see her. Doctors, nurses, visitors. It is a little crooked sometimes because she is losing some control of her facial muscles, but she is still smiling. She still says thank you for every little thing you do for her, even though it requires so much effort for her to speak at all.
Michael
Thursday night was awful, again. Having a real tough time finding a comfortable position. Spent most of the night sitting up, or repositioning. Made it through the day Friday with a breakthrough med because she is having more abdominal pain.
Sleeping comfortably at the moment. Mostly because she just got out of the hot tub again. Another hour long plus floating session.
Paula came up tonight to visit and gave me a hand to get Penny down to the tub, and then back to bed and tucked in.
That may have been Penny’s last hot tub, unfortunately. They are moving the entire palliative care unit downstairs to renovate up here starting Wednesday, and there is no tub on the unit we are moving to. The renovations will take 6 to 8 weeks. She was upset to learn that. The hot tub has been her only reprieve, other than sleep, from the constant discomfort of being stuck in bed.
This afternoon she lost the ability to focus clearly. Having trouble making out faces unless you get quite close to her. That persisted until bedtime.
And if losing the hot tub, and her vision wasn’t enough, she is also having difficulty now drawing fluids through a straw. A very short straw. Just a few sips and she is out of breath.
Penny just woke up and we sat up for a while. Her breathing is so raspy that I can feel it vibrate right through me when she leans on me to sit up in bed. She started taking some meds for that today. Sitting isn’t helping much tonight though, so she is calling for breakthrough meds again right now. That’s twice today.
That is not a good sign.
She was inserting one or two word punch lines into the conversation we had with Paula tonight. There is nothing wrong with her sense of humor. And she still manages a smile for everyone that comes to the room to see her. Doctors, nurses, visitors. It is a little crooked sometimes because she is losing some control of her facial muscles, but she is still smiling. She still says thank you for every little thing you do for her, even though it requires so much effort for her to speak at all.
Michael
Friday, October 20, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
Good day, bad day, good day, worse day.
Penny slept well all night Wednesday after the tub, and when she woke up Thursday morning she smiled at me and said, ‘I have some plans.’
She wanted to get out of here for a couple of days. Go home for a visit, book a luxurious hotel room with a jet tub for two. Mostly just get out of here for a while.
By Thursday afternoon, she was experiencing side effects from the drugs that included shaking all over uncontrollably, unable to speak, feet curled up and unable to straighten them. And that lasted until almost lunchtime Saturday. The last thing she said on Thursday was to the doctor, and that was to refuse any more tests or medications that would prolong this struggle. From Thursday lunchtime until Saturday afternoon she behaved as though she had suffered a stroke, unable to speak.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Slept all day today. Was up at 5 am for a little while, and then slept the day away.
She is not able to get out of bed anymore because of her feet and lack of strength. Tried last night but couldn’t make it. The shaking has stopped with the change in medication, and when she is awake, she is lucid and can talk a little, but she can’t get out of bed. Becoming bedridden so closely on the heels of her plans to escape this room for a couple of days has been hard on her. I don’t often see her upset, but this one upset her a great deal.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Don’t remember much of the weekend. Penny seems to be up all night, and then sleeps all day. Had another hot tub last night for an hour. She wants another one this morning. Just said she could stay in there all day.
It is getting harder for her to find a comfortable position. I guess that is why she likes the tub so much. She is also congested but does not have the strength or lungpower to cough enough to clear her lungs.
She has mentioned several times in the past few days that she thinks the cancer has also gone to her brain. And she may be right. The drugs have not been changed for several days, and a tumor would produce the stroke like symptoms. She just keeps mentioning that something does not feel right, in reference to her thinking and ability to communicate and move.
There has not been a problem with pain or nausea for quite some time now, but there does not seem to be any shortage of other problems to take their place.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Chocolate milk and jello for breakfast today. And then she said she wanted another hot tub this morning.
She is really liking this hot tub thing. She waited patiently until noon when Mom and Dad showed up and gave me a hand with it. She got to float for an hour and a half. The rosy cheeks are quite a contrast to the jaundiced pallor of a week and more ago.
Having a visit with Tanya, and struggling to stay awake at the moment.
Today was a pretty good day.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Friday again. Wednesday we were both sick and slept all day. Then she spent most of the night sitting up in bed leaning against me, just to be in a different position. Thursday was not a good day for Penny. Having a tough time finding a comfortable position and abdominal pain. Not bad enough to get breakthrough meds, just enough to make life miserable. She is finding it difficult to speak, and seldom says more than a couple of words at a time. She has lost a lot of muscle tone and does not even have the strength to even shift her position in bed. Some days are better than others, but she is feeling worse daily.
A few people have written lately and asked if they could come for a visit. Thank you for asking but we have requested that just immediate family be allowed to visit for the past few weeks.
Michael
Good day, bad day, good day, worse day.
Penny slept well all night Wednesday after the tub, and when she woke up Thursday morning she smiled at me and said, ‘I have some plans.’
She wanted to get out of here for a couple of days. Go home for a visit, book a luxurious hotel room with a jet tub for two. Mostly just get out of here for a while.
By Thursday afternoon, she was experiencing side effects from the drugs that included shaking all over uncontrollably, unable to speak, feet curled up and unable to straighten them. And that lasted until almost lunchtime Saturday. The last thing she said on Thursday was to the doctor, and that was to refuse any more tests or medications that would prolong this struggle. From Thursday lunchtime until Saturday afternoon she behaved as though she had suffered a stroke, unable to speak.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Slept all day today. Was up at 5 am for a little while, and then slept the day away.
She is not able to get out of bed anymore because of her feet and lack of strength. Tried last night but couldn’t make it. The shaking has stopped with the change in medication, and when she is awake, she is lucid and can talk a little, but she can’t get out of bed. Becoming bedridden so closely on the heels of her plans to escape this room for a couple of days has been hard on her. I don’t often see her upset, but this one upset her a great deal.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Don’t remember much of the weekend. Penny seems to be up all night, and then sleeps all day. Had another hot tub last night for an hour. She wants another one this morning. Just said she could stay in there all day.
It is getting harder for her to find a comfortable position. I guess that is why she likes the tub so much. She is also congested but does not have the strength or lungpower to cough enough to clear her lungs.
She has mentioned several times in the past few days that she thinks the cancer has also gone to her brain. And she may be right. The drugs have not been changed for several days, and a tumor would produce the stroke like symptoms. She just keeps mentioning that something does not feel right, in reference to her thinking and ability to communicate and move.
There has not been a problem with pain or nausea for quite some time now, but there does not seem to be any shortage of other problems to take their place.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Chocolate milk and jello for breakfast today. And then she said she wanted another hot tub this morning.
She is really liking this hot tub thing. She waited patiently until noon when Mom and Dad showed up and gave me a hand with it. She got to float for an hour and a half. The rosy cheeks are quite a contrast to the jaundiced pallor of a week and more ago.
Having a visit with Tanya, and struggling to stay awake at the moment.
Today was a pretty good day.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Friday again. Wednesday we were both sick and slept all day. Then she spent most of the night sitting up in bed leaning against me, just to be in a different position. Thursday was not a good day for Penny. Having a tough time finding a comfortable position and abdominal pain. Not bad enough to get breakthrough meds, just enough to make life miserable. She is finding it difficult to speak, and seldom says more than a couple of words at a time. She has lost a lot of muscle tone and does not even have the strength to even shift her position in bed. Some days are better than others, but she is feeling worse daily.
A few people have written lately and asked if they could come for a visit. Thank you for asking but we have requested that just immediate family be allowed to visit for the past few weeks.
Michael
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
11:45PM
Penny had a real hot tub tonight.
Last time we tried this in the chair lift because the bed lift was out of commission and it was not all that comfy. This time she got horizontal and floated for two hours in a jet tub. Turned the lights out. Didn’t have any candles so we just left the door open a crack and closed the curtains but she enjoyed the evening nonetheless. Every twenty minutes or so I asked her if she had enough and she just smiled and shook her head a little. At nine o’clock we had to pull her out before she turned into a prune. That was without a doubt the most comfortable spot she has been in for quite some time. She has been sleeping soundly since.
The past couple of days and nights have been good. She has been up and talking for most of the time visitors have been here. She is drinking a little again, and is free of pain and nausea. One of the afternoon shift nurses brings fresh bread and other treats she bakes right here in the family room. Last night she brought some raisin bread and Penny had half a slice.
Almost all the needles are gone. There are only one or two on the go now, which makes things more comfy.
She is still really tired all the time, and getting a little shaky again so they are easing up on her meds, but today was a good day.
Michael
11:45PM
Penny had a real hot tub tonight.
Last time we tried this in the chair lift because the bed lift was out of commission and it was not all that comfy. This time she got horizontal and floated for two hours in a jet tub. Turned the lights out. Didn’t have any candles so we just left the door open a crack and closed the curtains but she enjoyed the evening nonetheless. Every twenty minutes or so I asked her if she had enough and she just smiled and shook her head a little. At nine o’clock we had to pull her out before she turned into a prune. That was without a doubt the most comfortable spot she has been in for quite some time. She has been sleeping soundly since.
The past couple of days and nights have been good. She has been up and talking for most of the time visitors have been here. She is drinking a little again, and is free of pain and nausea. One of the afternoon shift nurses brings fresh bread and other treats she bakes right here in the family room. Last night she brought some raisin bread and Penny had half a slice.
Almost all the needles are gone. There are only one or two on the go now, which makes things more comfy.
She is still really tired all the time, and getting a little shaky again so they are easing up on her meds, but today was a good day.
Michael
Monday, October 9, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
8PM
I am wishing so much so for the end to be here that I spent all last night praying that I would not wake up this morning. I lay here this evening thinking ‘who am I to make that decision’. That is God’s will. I have the pain well under control, so why the urgency? Perhaps it is because it is a long weekend and I am just anxious to move on to the next step, moving to hospice.
Penny
I am wishing so much so for the end to be here that I spent all last night praying that I would not wake up this morning. I lay here this evening thinking ‘who am I to make that decision’. That is God’s will. I have the pain well under control, so why the urgency? Perhaps it is because it is a long weekend and I am just anxious to move on to the next step, moving to hospice.
Penny
Sunday, October 8, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Had a pretty good day today so far. Mom and Dad came for the morning, and Tanya and Pam came for the afternoon. Pam read both some of the comments in the blog and some of her emails to Penny.
I had a chat with Pen about what the doctors told Mom and Dad and I the other day, and Pam read the last blog to her. That was difficult, but she was pleased to hear it. She said their assessment was pretty close to what she feels like she has left in terms of time.
The pain and nausea have been under control now since Wed. or Thursday. She spends a lot of time sleeping and dreaming and for the most part feels comfortable. Once a day she has a few hours of good time, where she can have a lucid conversation with someone. Usually in the afternoons. She hasn’t lost her since of humor and everyone seems to have a chuckle about something while they are here.
Penny is very much at peace with herself.
Trish came and spent the night with Penny on Friday. She must have done a pretty good job of looking after her. Penny said that if I weren’t around, Trish would be her next choice for a nurse. Saturday, Stanley and I went shopping across the street and bought some stuff for Penny to wear. Some of the items were modified with scissors to accommodate IV lines, so she has a rather unusual looking wardrobe now.
Still better than hospital gowns.
We have a hot date tonight too. We booked the hot tub for 7 PM, and I am taking her for a long relaxing bubble bath and shampoo. So, she is resting up for it while I sit here typing. We have to fill in a little form here everyday that questions Penny about pain, nausea, depression, anxiety, feeling of wellbeing, appetite, and I can’t recall the rest right now. Her biggest complaint is the lack of energy. She just doesn’t have any at all. Hope she has enough left today for the tub. The nurses said that she would probably get a really good night sleep afterwards.
Michael
Had a pretty good day today so far. Mom and Dad came for the morning, and Tanya and Pam came for the afternoon. Pam read both some of the comments in the blog and some of her emails to Penny.
I had a chat with Pen about what the doctors told Mom and Dad and I the other day, and Pam read the last blog to her. That was difficult, but she was pleased to hear it. She said their assessment was pretty close to what she feels like she has left in terms of time.
The pain and nausea have been under control now since Wed. or Thursday. She spends a lot of time sleeping and dreaming and for the most part feels comfortable. Once a day she has a few hours of good time, where she can have a lucid conversation with someone. Usually in the afternoons. She hasn’t lost her since of humor and everyone seems to have a chuckle about something while they are here.
Penny is very much at peace with herself.
Trish came and spent the night with Penny on Friday. She must have done a pretty good job of looking after her. Penny said that if I weren’t around, Trish would be her next choice for a nurse. Saturday, Stanley and I went shopping across the street and bought some stuff for Penny to wear. Some of the items were modified with scissors to accommodate IV lines, so she has a rather unusual looking wardrobe now.
Still better than hospital gowns.
We have a hot date tonight too. We booked the hot tub for 7 PM, and I am taking her for a long relaxing bubble bath and shampoo. So, she is resting up for it while I sit here typing. We have to fill in a little form here everyday that questions Penny about pain, nausea, depression, anxiety, feeling of wellbeing, appetite, and I can’t recall the rest right now. Her biggest complaint is the lack of energy. She just doesn’t have any at all. Hope she has enough left today for the tub. The nurses said that she would probably get a really good night sleep afterwards.
Michael
Thursday, October 5, 2006
October 5
Thursday, October 05, 2006
3:00 AM
Tuesday and Wednesday were very difficult for Penny, and today is not off to a good start.
Changes made to her pain meds did not work out very well for her the past couple of days, but it seems to be getting better since they switched her over again at midnight. The nausea is still a problem, and for the past twelve hours we have been working around almost hourly bouts of diarrhea. That was an especially long night.
Up until now, Penny was very coherent, and could speak clearly during the brief periods when she was awake. For the past 24 hours and more, she looks and sounds like she is very much under the influence of drugs. She is just a little out of touch with reality.
9:00PM
Penny is feeling much better this evening. Busy day for visitors today too. Mom and Dad, Pam, Stan, Dennis, Paula, Peter, Julie, Tanya, Jesse, Trish and me. Paula read some of the comments from her blog to her, and I read some of her email to her. She is up and watching survivor right now. First time I have seen her look at a TV for 3 weeks or so. Tanya and Trish were the last ones here, and had the best visit with Pen because she seemed to improve continuously as the day wore on.
Midnight Thursday
There is no comparison between tonight and last night. Sat up and watched the whole TV program, then sat up with me until 10:30 watching the full moon rise, and having a good chat. She seems to be adjusting to the new medication well, with the pain under control, and very little nausea this evening and no diarrhea. She got upset for a while because she misplaced her wedding band. She had tried to give it to me to wear yesterday, and I suggested it still looked better on her. The nurse and I looked everywhere in the room for quite a while and couldn’t find it. We had almost given up and decided that maybe it left the room in the laundry when I had one last look and found it on the floor under the radiator in the corner of the room.
I slipped it back on her finger, but Penny has lost so much weight that it won’t stay on. She was quite relieved to see it and insisted I put it on and went straight to sleep.
This has been a good evening for us, all things considered. It has been a great evening compared to some that we have had recently.
Mom and Dad and I had a talk with the two doctors monitoring Penny this morning. They told us what to expect based on their experience with patients in a similar condition. I could sum the whole conversation up by saying that it is almost time to say goodbye to Penny. The Doctors summed it up by suggesting that if there is anyone Penny would like to visit with, then the next few days would be a good time to do it. I won’t go into the details they provided. It is hard enough typing this as it is.
I didn’t share the details of the conversation with the doctors with Penny today. I don’t know if anybody else did either. I think I will just ask her tomorrow if there is anyone she would like to visit with that she has not seen lately, and leave it at that.
Michael
3:00 AM
Tuesday and Wednesday were very difficult for Penny, and today is not off to a good start.
Changes made to her pain meds did not work out very well for her the past couple of days, but it seems to be getting better since they switched her over again at midnight. The nausea is still a problem, and for the past twelve hours we have been working around almost hourly bouts of diarrhea. That was an especially long night.
Up until now, Penny was very coherent, and could speak clearly during the brief periods when she was awake. For the past 24 hours and more, she looks and sounds like she is very much under the influence of drugs. She is just a little out of touch with reality.
9:00PM
Penny is feeling much better this evening. Busy day for visitors today too. Mom and Dad, Pam, Stan, Dennis, Paula, Peter, Julie, Tanya, Jesse, Trish and me. Paula read some of the comments from her blog to her, and I read some of her email to her. She is up and watching survivor right now. First time I have seen her look at a TV for 3 weeks or so. Tanya and Trish were the last ones here, and had the best visit with Pen because she seemed to improve continuously as the day wore on.
Midnight Thursday
There is no comparison between tonight and last night. Sat up and watched the whole TV program, then sat up with me until 10:30 watching the full moon rise, and having a good chat. She seems to be adjusting to the new medication well, with the pain under control, and very little nausea this evening and no diarrhea. She got upset for a while because she misplaced her wedding band. She had tried to give it to me to wear yesterday, and I suggested it still looked better on her. The nurse and I looked everywhere in the room for quite a while and couldn’t find it. We had almost given up and decided that maybe it left the room in the laundry when I had one last look and found it on the floor under the radiator in the corner of the room.
I slipped it back on her finger, but Penny has lost so much weight that it won’t stay on. She was quite relieved to see it and insisted I put it on and went straight to sleep.
This has been a good evening for us, all things considered. It has been a great evening compared to some that we have had recently.
Mom and Dad and I had a talk with the two doctors monitoring Penny this morning. They told us what to expect based on their experience with patients in a similar condition. I could sum the whole conversation up by saying that it is almost time to say goodbye to Penny. The Doctors summed it up by suggesting that if there is anyone Penny would like to visit with, then the next few days would be a good time to do it. I won’t go into the details they provided. It is hard enough typing this as it is.
I didn’t share the details of the conversation with the doctors with Penny today. I don’t know if anybody else did either. I think I will just ask her tomorrow if there is anyone she would like to visit with that she has not seen lately, and leave it at that.
Michael
Monday, October 2, 2006
Monday, October 02, 2006
Sunday, October 01, 2006
10:AM
Just read Penny’s blog to her. She smiled at almost 50.
The struggle with the nausea that got so much worse yesterday is still a problem. She had a really tough night with it again. They have her on three different medications for nausea, and she is still sick often, as in having the dry heaves. She has not had even a sip of water for the past few days. Tried a teaspoon of apple juice this morning, but that came back up shortly afterwards, painfully. Just a tiny piece of ice every few hours is all she can tolerate. But usually she is sleeping and dreaming. One of the side effects of the drugs is vivid dreams, a lot of them. Pen said she has only had a couple of bad ones, mostly good ones
10:00 PM
I came back after supper to spend the night with Penny. The nights seem to be hardest and she wanted some company. Wish she had a bigger bed so I could jump in and snuggle.
I just asked her if she wanted to put anything in her blog, and she said no, that I could do what I want with it now. So I asked her if I could just leave it alone for a while. She said that was fine. I asked her if I could leave it alone permanently, and let it be done. She said that was okay too.
So, this will be the last update.
Midnight
Penny just got up and chatted for a bit. I told her what I wrote in the blog and she said no way, this is not the last update. She did look and sound a little too comfy last time I was talking to her.
The past week has been especially difficult, and Penny had asked that the only visitors be immediate family. She mentioned today though, that perhaps when she gets moved into hospice it would be okay to have a few other people over who want to come for a short visit.
Monday 9:00 PM
When I arrived at the hospital this evening, Penny was in good spirits. She read her card from Annie, and stayed up to chat. She asked me to mention that she is being moved to an acute palliative care unit here in the same hospital tomorrow. She seemed a little excited about moving there, after talking to the unit doctor. She also said the nausea was not as frequent or bothersome today, and the pain is being managed quite well. Whatever else they have started giving her must be working. When I counted tonight, she had a total of 8 needles, in her abdomen and upper legs and the IV in her hand.
It was a better day, except for all the needles.
Michael
10:AM
Just read Penny’s blog to her. She smiled at almost 50.
The struggle with the nausea that got so much worse yesterday is still a problem. She had a really tough night with it again. They have her on three different medications for nausea, and she is still sick often, as in having the dry heaves. She has not had even a sip of water for the past few days. Tried a teaspoon of apple juice this morning, but that came back up shortly afterwards, painfully. Just a tiny piece of ice every few hours is all she can tolerate. But usually she is sleeping and dreaming. One of the side effects of the drugs is vivid dreams, a lot of them. Pen said she has only had a couple of bad ones, mostly good ones
10:00 PM
I came back after supper to spend the night with Penny. The nights seem to be hardest and she wanted some company. Wish she had a bigger bed so I could jump in and snuggle.
I just asked her if she wanted to put anything in her blog, and she said no, that I could do what I want with it now. So I asked her if I could just leave it alone for a while. She said that was fine. I asked her if I could leave it alone permanently, and let it be done. She said that was okay too.
So, this will be the last update.
Midnight
Penny just got up and chatted for a bit. I told her what I wrote in the blog and she said no way, this is not the last update. She did look and sound a little too comfy last time I was talking to her.
The past week has been especially difficult, and Penny had asked that the only visitors be immediate family. She mentioned today though, that perhaps when she gets moved into hospice it would be okay to have a few other people over who want to come for a short visit.
Monday 9:00 PM
When I arrived at the hospital this evening, Penny was in good spirits. She read her card from Annie, and stayed up to chat. She asked me to mention that she is being moved to an acute palliative care unit here in the same hospital tomorrow. She seemed a little excited about moving there, after talking to the unit doctor. She also said the nausea was not as frequent or bothersome today, and the pain is being managed quite well. Whatever else they have started giving her must be working. When I counted tonight, she had a total of 8 needles, in her abdomen and upper legs and the IV in her hand.
It was a better day, except for all the needles.
Michael
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Almost 50
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Yesterday was Penny’s 49th birthday.
Today I can start telling her she is almost 50.
Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes, and your messages.
I just remembered today that Penny had been using a yahoo account for her email and logged in to peek. There were almost 300 messages in her inbox since she last logged in there. I have only been checking her Telus account for her. And I said I was reading all her mail to her…apparently not.
Penny is looking a little better since Wednesday. Her pallor is noticeably improved. She is still having a lot of trouble with the nausea, and it is worse today because they changed her medication for it but she won’t let them put another needle in just yet. They actually want to put 3 more in, to make a total of 5, plus the IV in her hand for a total of six. One for each medication she is currently taking. Sounds like a bit much, but I suppose it beats getting a needle every time you have to take meds. Had a bad night with the pain again, and is struggling a little today. They switched her back to morphine last night, and every time they switch the meds it takes a while to adjust the dose just right to keep her comfy. She is holding out to see the Doctor before she gets poked again.
Noon
Doctor was just in. Going to try and give more of her meds through IV for now, but will eventually have to put the other needles in. A temporary reprieve.
Took her for a spin around the fifth floor in a wheelchair Thursday night, and got her into the shower for a shampoo as well. And after doing all that nice stuff for her she kicked me out of her room, sent me home for a nap. Friday night she was up for a visit with Peter and Tanya, and Mom and Dad are here for hours every day to visit. There are maybe two hours out of 24 in intervals that Penny is up for anything. She sleeps, or tries to, for the other 22. She mentioned this morning how nice it would be to have just a little bit more energy.
Penny called me at home last night to say the palliative nurse had been for a visit. She said we should know by Monday night or Tuesday about being admitted to hospice. I will try to read her birthday greetings to her when she is up for it.
Michael
Yesterday was Penny’s 49th birthday.
Today I can start telling her she is almost 50.
Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes, and your messages.
I just remembered today that Penny had been using a yahoo account for her email and logged in to peek. There were almost 300 messages in her inbox since she last logged in there. I have only been checking her Telus account for her. And I said I was reading all her mail to her…apparently not.
Penny is looking a little better since Wednesday. Her pallor is noticeably improved. She is still having a lot of trouble with the nausea, and it is worse today because they changed her medication for it but she won’t let them put another needle in just yet. They actually want to put 3 more in, to make a total of 5, plus the IV in her hand for a total of six. One for each medication she is currently taking. Sounds like a bit much, but I suppose it beats getting a needle every time you have to take meds. Had a bad night with the pain again, and is struggling a little today. They switched her back to morphine last night, and every time they switch the meds it takes a while to adjust the dose just right to keep her comfy. She is holding out to see the Doctor before she gets poked again.
Noon
Doctor was just in. Going to try and give more of her meds through IV for now, but will eventually have to put the other needles in. A temporary reprieve.
Took her for a spin around the fifth floor in a wheelchair Thursday night, and got her into the shower for a shampoo as well. And after doing all that nice stuff for her she kicked me out of her room, sent me home for a nap. Friday night she was up for a visit with Peter and Tanya, and Mom and Dad are here for hours every day to visit. There are maybe two hours out of 24 in intervals that Penny is up for anything. She sleeps, or tries to, for the other 22. She mentioned this morning how nice it would be to have just a little bit more energy.
Penny called me at home last night to say the palliative nurse had been for a visit. She said we should know by Monday night or Tuesday about being admitted to hospice. I will try to read her birthday greetings to her when she is up for it.
Michael
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Yesterday was a good day.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Tuesday night was uneventful, and peaceful, and we caught up on some rest. Mom and Dad came again in the morning, Wednesday, and stayed until Penny got back to the room around 5. It took about 4 hours to get it all done
The procedure was a success, but it was a long difficult afternoon for her.
When Pen woke up around 11PM tonight for her four hour med nurses visit, I asked her if she wanted to add anything to the blog today. She said no, just to thank everyone again, and that tomorrow when she felt better she was going to type herself and tell everybody what the experience felt like.
They had to guide a needle through her abdomen, liver, bile ducts and into the intestine, and then wheel her down to another room where they did the ERCP again, found the wire inside and used it to guide the stent into place to open up the bile ducts. They don’t put you out for this thing. You need to be semi conscious. They used a different term like comatose consciousness or something, but the point is you are aware for this little adventure. They don’t want you to hurt too bad, but they need you to be able to move around a little during this to help them guide their instruments around in there. Penny’s head was dripping with sweat when she got out of there. I got in to have a peek at the picture on the monitor with Penny just when they finished up. The image of the stint in place in the duct, along with surrounding organs, bones, etc. was crystal clear. That is amazing stuff they do in there. Penny was awake and talking as soon as it was done, and the first thing she said was, ‘it was awful’.
She seems to have tolerated it all very well though, and recovered nicely so far.
She slept for a bit when she got back to the room. Then she got up and dressed in her own nightie and relaxed in the reclining chair for a visit with Pete and Julie, and enjoyed the sunset view at the same time.
It is almost 2 in the morning now, and Pen has only had 1 BT med all night, and that was hours ago, so it looks like another peaceful night. Huge thank you very much to all the staff here again for your efforts and kindness yesterday. Everyday.
Yesterday was a good day.
Michael
Tuesday night was uneventful, and peaceful, and we caught up on some rest. Mom and Dad came again in the morning, Wednesday, and stayed until Penny got back to the room around 5. It took about 4 hours to get it all done
The procedure was a success, but it was a long difficult afternoon for her.
When Pen woke up around 11PM tonight for her four hour med nurses visit, I asked her if she wanted to add anything to the blog today. She said no, just to thank everyone again, and that tomorrow when she felt better she was going to type herself and tell everybody what the experience felt like.
They had to guide a needle through her abdomen, liver, bile ducts and into the intestine, and then wheel her down to another room where they did the ERCP again, found the wire inside and used it to guide the stent into place to open up the bile ducts. They don’t put you out for this thing. You need to be semi conscious. They used a different term like comatose consciousness or something, but the point is you are aware for this little adventure. They don’t want you to hurt too bad, but they need you to be able to move around a little during this to help them guide their instruments around in there. Penny’s head was dripping with sweat when she got out of there. I got in to have a peek at the picture on the monitor with Penny just when they finished up. The image of the stint in place in the duct, along with surrounding organs, bones, etc. was crystal clear. That is amazing stuff they do in there. Penny was awake and talking as soon as it was done, and the first thing she said was, ‘it was awful’.
She seems to have tolerated it all very well though, and recovered nicely so far.
She slept for a bit when she got back to the room. Then she got up and dressed in her own nightie and relaxed in the reclining chair for a visit with Pete and Julie, and enjoyed the sunset view at the same time.
It is almost 2 in the morning now, and Pen has only had 1 BT med all night, and that was hours ago, so it looks like another peaceful night. Huge thank you very much to all the staff here again for your efforts and kindness yesterday. Everyday.
Yesterday was a good day.
Michael
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Almost Wednesday,,,,,,,again.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
It is noon, Sunday, and Penny is sleeping comfortably.
She had a peaceful night again, but is very tired today. I mentioned there were no visitors that I knew of that were coming today except Tanya, and she said ‘that’s good, I just want to sleep.’ She has no energy at all. The doctor mentioned that this morning too. Said they are pretty good at pain management, but there is not much they can do about the energy level. Pam came and spent the afternoon with Pen.
11:00 PM Sunday.
It was not a very good night. When I came back to the hospital a little after 8 to spend the night again I found Penny sitting up in bed, crying and in pain, her IV line was tangled in one side of the bed and she was nauseous and throwing up. They were 3 people short staffed yesterday and got behind on her meds a little bit. Got her untangled and the nurse came in shortly afterward with the extra pain meds. Ten minutes later she was comfy again, hair brushed and all tucked in, drifting off to sleep.
10:00 AM Monday
We didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. At 2 this morning they had to change one of the injection sites. Only took ten minutes but Penny finds it painful. She has been complaining for a long time, months, about how much her skin hurts all over, and when they tear that special tape off that holds the butterfly needle in she struggles with it. Well, they don’t tear it off, but rather peel it back slowly. Takes at least 5 minutes to get it off and she grimaces for every second of it. She has 3 or 4 of those needles in her all the time in different places for the different drugs they inject. Plus the IV in her hand. Poor girl must feel a little like a pincushion. And she was worried about the procedure that is being done today so that didn’t help either.
I read a few emails to Penny. Mom read some letters to her this morning too. Helped take her mind off things a little. She seldom opens her eyes but she does smile often when read to She has been comfortable and resting/sleeping since about 4 AM. I am glad they are running a little late this morning. Give her a chance to rest up a bit for it.
So, almost time to go downstairs for the ERCP.
10:00 PM Monday
They took Penny down for the ERCP about 1 and she was back in her room by 3. It didn’t work out today. Constricted space caused by one or more of the tumors, and partly because Penny has some tremors from the meds meant that they will have to try a different method. They have that booked for Wednesday.
Mom and Dad spent most of the day here, and Tanya was here this evening till I got back. Penny had a sleepy afternoon.
8:00 AM Tuesday
Had a pretty good night. Little confusion over wrong meds at 3 in the morning and they had to change the IV to her right hand but pretty comfortable otherwise. They woke us up at midnight saying our daughter was just on the phone complaining that her mom had a bad rash on her ass and that she wanted it fixed right now. Wrong room, but they almost had us convinced it was Tanya even though Penny has no rash problem anywhere. We did have a chuckle about that one.
Penny’s blood pressure was very low yesterday and her energy levels have dropped to pretty much zero. Her skin hurts and she finds even the loose hospital gowns constraining and irritating, so she drapes it instead of wearing it. Her oral fluid intake consists of a piece of ice no bigger than the size of a pea every few hours or so. They also started her on oxygen yesterday. They have the worst of the pain under control, but with the extra BT meds last night, her spasms have returned. They are almost as bad this morning as I have ever seen them. Her breathing pattern is changing when she is sleeping. And the jaundice is remarkably noticeable.
8:00 PM Tuesday
Almost Wednesday again.
It was a week ago I started doing this for Pen. The night she was admitted to hospital.
Feels like a month, at least. Lots of ups and downs during the day, and night. For everyone.
Mom and Dad spent the afternoon with her. Paula and Dennis popped in for a quick visit this evening.
Hope she has a good night. They are trying again tomorrow to insert the stent, and it is a more invasive procedure than the first one. She gave up wearing the gown altogether this afternoon. Having large fluctuations in her blood pressure, and the tests they do for oxygen are showing a steady decline.
Penny woke up for a moment, so I opened the blinds on the window beside her bed to give her a view of the sunset. Her room is on the 5th floor facing west, and it was especially pretty tonight. I asked her if she would like to have any input into the blog today.
She did. She said “ to say thank you to everyone for keeping in touch and for caring.” And then she went back to sleep.
Michael
It is noon, Sunday, and Penny is sleeping comfortably.
She had a peaceful night again, but is very tired today. I mentioned there were no visitors that I knew of that were coming today except Tanya, and she said ‘that’s good, I just want to sleep.’ She has no energy at all. The doctor mentioned that this morning too. Said they are pretty good at pain management, but there is not much they can do about the energy level. Pam came and spent the afternoon with Pen.
11:00 PM Sunday.
It was not a very good night. When I came back to the hospital a little after 8 to spend the night again I found Penny sitting up in bed, crying and in pain, her IV line was tangled in one side of the bed and she was nauseous and throwing up. They were 3 people short staffed yesterday and got behind on her meds a little bit. Got her untangled and the nurse came in shortly afterward with the extra pain meds. Ten minutes later she was comfy again, hair brushed and all tucked in, drifting off to sleep.
10:00 AM Monday
We didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. At 2 this morning they had to change one of the injection sites. Only took ten minutes but Penny finds it painful. She has been complaining for a long time, months, about how much her skin hurts all over, and when they tear that special tape off that holds the butterfly needle in she struggles with it. Well, they don’t tear it off, but rather peel it back slowly. Takes at least 5 minutes to get it off and she grimaces for every second of it. She has 3 or 4 of those needles in her all the time in different places for the different drugs they inject. Plus the IV in her hand. Poor girl must feel a little like a pincushion. And she was worried about the procedure that is being done today so that didn’t help either.
I read a few emails to Penny. Mom read some letters to her this morning too. Helped take her mind off things a little. She seldom opens her eyes but she does smile often when read to She has been comfortable and resting/sleeping since about 4 AM. I am glad they are running a little late this morning. Give her a chance to rest up a bit for it.
So, almost time to go downstairs for the ERCP.
10:00 PM Monday
They took Penny down for the ERCP about 1 and she was back in her room by 3. It didn’t work out today. Constricted space caused by one or more of the tumors, and partly because Penny has some tremors from the meds meant that they will have to try a different method. They have that booked for Wednesday.
Mom and Dad spent most of the day here, and Tanya was here this evening till I got back. Penny had a sleepy afternoon.
8:00 AM Tuesday
Had a pretty good night. Little confusion over wrong meds at 3 in the morning and they had to change the IV to her right hand but pretty comfortable otherwise. They woke us up at midnight saying our daughter was just on the phone complaining that her mom had a bad rash on her ass and that she wanted it fixed right now. Wrong room, but they almost had us convinced it was Tanya even though Penny has no rash problem anywhere. We did have a chuckle about that one.
Penny’s blood pressure was very low yesterday and her energy levels have dropped to pretty much zero. Her skin hurts and she finds even the loose hospital gowns constraining and irritating, so she drapes it instead of wearing it. Her oral fluid intake consists of a piece of ice no bigger than the size of a pea every few hours or so. They also started her on oxygen yesterday. They have the worst of the pain under control, but with the extra BT meds last night, her spasms have returned. They are almost as bad this morning as I have ever seen them. Her breathing pattern is changing when she is sleeping. And the jaundice is remarkably noticeable.
8:00 PM Tuesday
Almost Wednesday again.
It was a week ago I started doing this for Pen. The night she was admitted to hospital.
Feels like a month, at least. Lots of ups and downs during the day, and night. For everyone.
Mom and Dad spent the afternoon with her. Paula and Dennis popped in for a quick visit this evening.
Hope she has a good night. They are trying again tomorrow to insert the stent, and it is a more invasive procedure than the first one. She gave up wearing the gown altogether this afternoon. Having large fluctuations in her blood pressure, and the tests they do for oxygen are showing a steady decline.
Penny woke up for a moment, so I opened the blinds on the window beside her bed to give her a view of the sunset. Her room is on the 5th floor facing west, and it was especially pretty tonight. I asked her if she would like to have any input into the blog today.
She did. She said “ to say thank you to everyone for keeping in touch and for caring.” And then she went back to sleep.
Michael
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Almost a year older.
Penny has a birthday coming up next week.
She had a great visit with her sisters and Tanya last night, up and chatting for an hour.
When I arrived at the hospital this morning she smiled and said she had a good night. Slept well.
Must have, because she threw her glasses on and grabbed the laptop and did a little reading for about ten minutes. Had a bit to eat for lunch today too. The most I have seen her eat in two weeks.
Her jaundiced pallor has improved, and we had a pretty good visit this morning.
She looked better than she has for several days. She was up and happy to see Mom and Dad and Trish arrive for the afternoon. She had half a dozen more visitors this evening.
I don’t mind writing this so much today. This is all good stuff.
The nausea and pain control are still a work in progress, and cause her some distress, but it is much better. The frequency of the attacks has diminished and she doesn’t have to wait long for relief. They increased the pain meds a little last night, and seem to be doing a really good job keeping the pain under control.
The muscle spasms she had been having a thousand times a night have also almost stopped. Some of them were quite severe and it is a big relief to see them evolve into just a little twitch now and then. The spasms were a result of becoming a little toxic from all the drugs, and not getting enough fluids.
It is eight in the morning now, Saturday, and she has been sleeping peacefully since eleven last night. Very nice to see after all the tough nights that she has been having lately. The day shift nurse just came in to check BP and give meds and Penny said her pain was zero. That was so good to hear. I have not heard a zero for months. The staff here is doing an awesome job of keeping her comfortable.
The doctor was just in and confirmed the ERCP will be done on Monday. Even shifted the schedule a little bit so Penny can get this done ASAP.
At this rate, Penny might soon be typing her own blog again. I’m hoping.
11:30 AM Saturday, September 23, 2006
Tanya, Kylie and Neressa were just here for a visit. Penny had a good morning and is just settling in for her noonish siesta. She read this before I posted it and drifted off to sleep.
Michael
She had a great visit with her sisters and Tanya last night, up and chatting for an hour.
When I arrived at the hospital this morning she smiled and said she had a good night. Slept well.
Must have, because she threw her glasses on and grabbed the laptop and did a little reading for about ten minutes. Had a bit to eat for lunch today too. The most I have seen her eat in two weeks.
Her jaundiced pallor has improved, and we had a pretty good visit this morning.
She looked better than she has for several days. She was up and happy to see Mom and Dad and Trish arrive for the afternoon. She had half a dozen more visitors this evening.
I don’t mind writing this so much today. This is all good stuff.
The nausea and pain control are still a work in progress, and cause her some distress, but it is much better. The frequency of the attacks has diminished and she doesn’t have to wait long for relief. They increased the pain meds a little last night, and seem to be doing a really good job keeping the pain under control.
The muscle spasms she had been having a thousand times a night have also almost stopped. Some of them were quite severe and it is a big relief to see them evolve into just a little twitch now and then. The spasms were a result of becoming a little toxic from all the drugs, and not getting enough fluids.
It is eight in the morning now, Saturday, and she has been sleeping peacefully since eleven last night. Very nice to see after all the tough nights that she has been having lately. The day shift nurse just came in to check BP and give meds and Penny said her pain was zero. That was so good to hear. I have not heard a zero for months. The staff here is doing an awesome job of keeping her comfortable.
The doctor was just in and confirmed the ERCP will be done on Monday. Even shifted the schedule a little bit so Penny can get this done ASAP.
At this rate, Penny might soon be typing her own blog again. I’m hoping.
11:30 AM Saturday, September 23, 2006
Tanya, Kylie and Neressa were just here for a visit. Penny had a good morning and is just settling in for her noonish siesta. She read this before I posted it and drifted off to sleep.
Michael
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Almost the weekend
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Almost the weekend.
Our plans to spend a quiet week at home before Penny went to hospice have gone awry.
She is however, much more comfortable in hospital. They give a lot of her medications through the IV now instead of orally, which was getting difficult. Quite often at home she would throw up soon after taking the meds, and it was tough deciding whether to give her more or not. Getting her fluids hooked up through IV has also helped a lot. It works much faster than the setup we had at home. Even the pharmacist there comes to see her personally and checks to make sure all her medications are working well for her. She is as comfortable as can be and is surrounded by caring people. The hospital staff couldn’t be any nicer and Penny has a family member or two or three with her around the clock.
Penny received the results of yesterday’s tests this morning. There are tumors on the liver and pancreas. A specialist is going to review the tests and decide whether or not to attempt an ERCP and insert a stent.
It may make things more comfortable for her.
Thank you for all the kind messages.
I am sorry I can’t read them all to Penny anymore because she doesn’t have the energy to listen for very long. We only chat for a few minutes during a day. I do try to tell her who wrote, but I keep it short and simple and tell her they all say the same thing.
We love you Penny.
Michael
Almost the weekend.
Our plans to spend a quiet week at home before Penny went to hospice have gone awry.
She is however, much more comfortable in hospital. They give a lot of her medications through the IV now instead of orally, which was getting difficult. Quite often at home she would throw up soon after taking the meds, and it was tough deciding whether to give her more or not. Getting her fluids hooked up through IV has also helped a lot. It works much faster than the setup we had at home. Even the pharmacist there comes to see her personally and checks to make sure all her medications are working well for her. She is as comfortable as can be and is surrounded by caring people. The hospital staff couldn’t be any nicer and Penny has a family member or two or three with her around the clock.
Penny received the results of yesterday’s tests this morning. There are tumors on the liver and pancreas. A specialist is going to review the tests and decide whether or not to attempt an ERCP and insert a stent.
It may make things more comfortable for her.
Thank you for all the kind messages.
I am sorry I can’t read them all to Penny anymore because she doesn’t have the energy to listen for very long. We only chat for a few minutes during a day. I do try to tell her who wrote, but I keep it short and simple and tell her they all say the same thing.
We love you Penny.
Michael
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Almost…..Wednesday September 19, 2006
Penny got settled in at the hospital tonight.
Another little communications problem with our health care providers but the people at the hospital have been very good about it and I am sure she will be as comfortable as can be for the rest of the night.
The paperwork will catch up, and it sounds like they know what’s going on.
Pen’s sister Paula came over to keep her company and let me get home for a few winks before I come back in the morning. And Mom and Dad came to check up on them both.
Feels like a lot of things being home alone though. Kinda hard to sleep. The last time we spent a night apart was last year when she picked up an infection during her down days on chemotherapy and got stuck in isolation at the same hospital she is at now. Had to cancel our vacation south. Got to go later though and the upside is the hospital had her on file. Made things easier tonight.
I have typed the last few posts for Pen. Since Trish last did. I read them to her before I posted them to be sure they were ok. I felt a little odd doing it at first for a number of reasons. Firstly, because Pen didn’t have the strength to do it anymore. That hurt. A lot.
The second reason is that I have never read her blog. I will, but I haven’t yet.
This one is just from me.
I read the first few, and stopped for a number of reasons. Some are personal, some were obvious, or so I thought. I live here, I don’t need to read the blog to know what is going on. People I work with, or friends who have told me where and when I am going before I knew frequently confronted me. It was in the blog.
They knew things about me I didn’t know.
I guess the moral of that story is that living here doesn’t necessarily mean you know what’s going on around here.
I do know for sure though that Penny is in good hands tonight. I hope she gets some rest.
Michael
Another little communications problem with our health care providers but the people at the hospital have been very good about it and I am sure she will be as comfortable as can be for the rest of the night.
The paperwork will catch up, and it sounds like they know what’s going on.
Pen’s sister Paula came over to keep her company and let me get home for a few winks before I come back in the morning. And Mom and Dad came to check up on them both.
Feels like a lot of things being home alone though. Kinda hard to sleep. The last time we spent a night apart was last year when she picked up an infection during her down days on chemotherapy and got stuck in isolation at the same hospital she is at now. Had to cancel our vacation south. Got to go later though and the upside is the hospital had her on file. Made things easier tonight.
I have typed the last few posts for Pen. Since Trish last did. I read them to her before I posted them to be sure they were ok. I felt a little odd doing it at first for a number of reasons. Firstly, because Pen didn’t have the strength to do it anymore. That hurt. A lot.
The second reason is that I have never read her blog. I will, but I haven’t yet.
This one is just from me.
I read the first few, and stopped for a number of reasons. Some are personal, some were obvious, or so I thought. I live here, I don’t need to read the blog to know what is going on. People I work with, or friends who have told me where and when I am going before I knew frequently confronted me. It was in the blog.
They knew things about me I didn’t know.
I guess the moral of that story is that living here doesn’t necessarily mean you know what’s going on around here.
I do know for sure though that Penny is in good hands tonight. I hope she gets some rest.
Michael
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Last night was very difficult. Again. Getting to be a bad habit.
Sleep or doze or lie quietly all day, little bit of energy to visit in the afternoons, and then later in the evenings it becomes more difficult to control the pain. The nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea didn’t help much either. It has been almost a week since I have had a bite of anything that resembles solid food. It takes me all day to eat a Popsicle, one bite at a time.
The Doctor came to do the assessment today and said that I can’t go to hospice at the moment because they consider my condition unstable because of the liver. So. I am being admitted this evening at hospital to intensive care until they can run a ct scan and do some more blood work to find out what the problem is.
Treatment options vary depending on what they find out, and then we will know where we are going from there.
Last night was very difficult. Again. Getting to be a bad habit.
Sleep or doze or lie quietly all day, little bit of energy to visit in the afternoons, and then later in the evenings it becomes more difficult to control the pain. The nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea didn’t help much either. It has been almost a week since I have had a bite of anything that resembles solid food. It takes me all day to eat a Popsicle, one bite at a time.
The Doctor came to do the assessment today and said that I can’t go to hospice at the moment because they consider my condition unstable because of the liver. So. I am being admitted this evening at hospital to intensive care until they can run a ct scan and do some more blood work to find out what the problem is.
Treatment options vary depending on what they find out, and then we will know where we are going from there.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
Had a nice visit today with Mom and Dad, Tanya and the girls. Jesse came with them today too.
The home care nurse was also here and gave us the results of the blood tests. It confirmed what we already knew about the liver involvement. It was not a surprise. My jaundice has gotten noticeably worse in the past week, with my eyes and skin turning yellow. The nurse also confirmed that my family physician has registered me with regional palliative care, so I should be hearing from them tomorrow about hospice.
Had a nice visit today with Mom and Dad, Tanya and the girls. Jesse came with them today too.
The home care nurse was also here and gave us the results of the blood tests. It confirmed what we already knew about the liver involvement. It was not a surprise. My jaundice has gotten noticeably worse in the past week, with my eyes and skin turning yellow. The nurse also confirmed that my family physician has registered me with regional palliative care, so I should be hearing from them tomorrow about hospice.
Sunday September 17, 2006
Michael is staying home with me this week, and is going to type for me so I can catch up a little. I am very happy he is home because I have missed him so much when he has been gone to work.
I have lost more time in the past few days. It was a bit of a shock to realize this was Sunday already. Understandable though too because it has been a difficult weekend. I had my first ambulance ride just after midnight on Friday. Spent the wee hours in the hospital again for pain control and Michael got me home at about 5:30 Saturday morning.
It has become a daily struggle from hour to hour to get through the pain. Never thought I would say that I would be looking forward to going into hospice. I keep thinking that I will be better there because the pain will be more manageable, that I will be better able to enjoy the time I spend with people visiting. All I can focus on right now is the pain. Michael does not want me to go to hospice and would prefer I stay home with him but feels helpless when the pain gets out of control. His only option when it get bad is to call the 911 operator to have EMT’s come give me a shot of morphine. Then they are required by law to transport me to hospital, and as soon as the hospital has my pain under control they discharge me and Michael has to get me home again in the car, which is very uncomfortable now. At least in hospice, pain relief is just a push of the button away and I don’t have to go on any excursions. Home is better, but hospice has better drugs. We don’t really have a choice.
Tanya brought me a gift today. It was a book of pictures of her at different times in her life that meant a great deal to her. She wanted me to know how much of an inspiration I have been for her. I am glad we had the time together to snuggle in bed today.
Peter and Julie stopped by too, but by the time they arrived the pain had taken over again and it was too difficult to talk. Hope we have a better visit next time they come.
Tomorrow, Mom and Dad are coming for a few hours for a visit.
Michael is reading all my emails to me and I enjoy hearing about what everyone is up to.
Thank you all for your kind thoughts and messages.
Penny
I have lost more time in the past few days. It was a bit of a shock to realize this was Sunday already. Understandable though too because it has been a difficult weekend. I had my first ambulance ride just after midnight on Friday. Spent the wee hours in the hospital again for pain control and Michael got me home at about 5:30 Saturday morning.
It has become a daily struggle from hour to hour to get through the pain. Never thought I would say that I would be looking forward to going into hospice. I keep thinking that I will be better there because the pain will be more manageable, that I will be better able to enjoy the time I spend with people visiting. All I can focus on right now is the pain. Michael does not want me to go to hospice and would prefer I stay home with him but feels helpless when the pain gets out of control. His only option when it get bad is to call the 911 operator to have EMT’s come give me a shot of morphine. Then they are required by law to transport me to hospital, and as soon as the hospital has my pain under control they discharge me and Michael has to get me home again in the car, which is very uncomfortable now. At least in hospice, pain relief is just a push of the button away and I don’t have to go on any excursions. Home is better, but hospice has better drugs. We don’t really have a choice.
Tanya brought me a gift today. It was a book of pictures of her at different times in her life that meant a great deal to her. She wanted me to know how much of an inspiration I have been for her. I am glad we had the time together to snuggle in bed today.
Peter and Julie stopped by too, but by the time they arrived the pain had taken over again and it was too difficult to talk. Hope we have a better visit next time they come.
Tomorrow, Mom and Dad are coming for a few hours for a visit.
Michael is reading all my emails to me and I enjoy hearing about what everyone is up to.
Thank you all for your kind thoughts and messages.
Penny
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
September 13, 2006 From Trish
Penny said I could post before heading home. So I'm sitting here not wanting to go at all and have been putting it off. How I wish I could stay.
It seems Monday was a little too much for her. She had gotten up for a while and Michael wheeled her out on the deck where we had supper. She even had a few bites of corn on the cob, potatoes and roast. Unfortunately that night was a very difficult one. Michael was up all night giving her break through meds every hour starting at 10:00pm taking her last med for breakthrough pain early the next morning. She was in a lot of pain.
In the morning things calmed down somewhat. She slept all morning and most of the afternoon. The nurse came late in the afternoon and I was impressed by how long she stayed with Penny. It was at least two hours if not longer. During this time, Penny asked the nurse about going into a hospice. She also talked to Michael last night about it and it appears that's what will happen over the next while. She will need to have an assessment done which determines whether she is at a point to be in a hospice but from the impression I got from the nurse, it doesn't look like there will be a problem with that. I asked what the criteria was and although she didn't go into to too much detail, she did say that they will accept anyone who they feel doesn't have more then 2 - 3 months. Also, since Penny is quite jaundice this week and she is pretty much bedridden these factors will be taken into account as well. The nurse will be stopping by today to take blood to get a better assessment of the liver.
I asked her how she felt about going into the hospice. She said to me that everything has been in stages and that this was the next one and that she's ready for it. She also mentioned how it's funny she can have little hopes of things like trips to BC or even going on a cruise but realistically she knows that's not going to happen. But I can see that the little fighter in her sure would like to try her darndest to make it happen. :) The positive thing about the hospice is that it'll give her a sense of relief knowing there are health care professionals around, hopefully getting her pain under control and that she can come home on the weekends as well. I think all round it's the right and best thing to do at this point.
Yesterday evening we had a nice time. A friend stopped by and we gathered in her bedroom and listened while he played a few tunes on his guitar. I think she really enjoyed it. Little things like that take her mind off the pain for a time.
During the night, it was better in that she wasn't up all night but this morning she's been in more pain again taking the meds for the breakthrough pain twice this morning. Night time and mornings are the worst for her so hopefully this afternoon is better and she can enjoy the pedicure that our younger sister, Paula, is planning on giving her. :) The difference between how she is between morning and late afternoon can be quite the change.
I'm not sure when she'll be able to post next. I'll mention to the family to ask her from time to time if they could type something for her so as all those that have expressed so much care and concern will continue to be updated from time to time.
On a personal note, I want to thank all those that continue to have her in their thoughts and prayers and have supported her and the entire family through all of this. It's meant so very much.
I hope I did ok sis!! :)
It seems Monday was a little too much for her. She had gotten up for a while and Michael wheeled her out on the deck where we had supper. She even had a few bites of corn on the cob, potatoes and roast. Unfortunately that night was a very difficult one. Michael was up all night giving her break through meds every hour starting at 10:00pm taking her last med for breakthrough pain early the next morning. She was in a lot of pain.
In the morning things calmed down somewhat. She slept all morning and most of the afternoon. The nurse came late in the afternoon and I was impressed by how long she stayed with Penny. It was at least two hours if not longer. During this time, Penny asked the nurse about going into a hospice. She also talked to Michael last night about it and it appears that's what will happen over the next while. She will need to have an assessment done which determines whether she is at a point to be in a hospice but from the impression I got from the nurse, it doesn't look like there will be a problem with that. I asked what the criteria was and although she didn't go into to too much detail, she did say that they will accept anyone who they feel doesn't have more then 2 - 3 months. Also, since Penny is quite jaundice this week and she is pretty much bedridden these factors will be taken into account as well. The nurse will be stopping by today to take blood to get a better assessment of the liver.
I asked her how she felt about going into the hospice. She said to me that everything has been in stages and that this was the next one and that she's ready for it. She also mentioned how it's funny she can have little hopes of things like trips to BC or even going on a cruise but realistically she knows that's not going to happen. But I can see that the little fighter in her sure would like to try her darndest to make it happen. :) The positive thing about the hospice is that it'll give her a sense of relief knowing there are health care professionals around, hopefully getting her pain under control and that she can come home on the weekends as well. I think all round it's the right and best thing to do at this point.
Yesterday evening we had a nice time. A friend stopped by and we gathered in her bedroom and listened while he played a few tunes on his guitar. I think she really enjoyed it. Little things like that take her mind off the pain for a time.
During the night, it was better in that she wasn't up all night but this morning she's been in more pain again taking the meds for the breakthrough pain twice this morning. Night time and mornings are the worst for her so hopefully this afternoon is better and she can enjoy the pedicure that our younger sister, Paula, is planning on giving her. :) The difference between how she is between morning and late afternoon can be quite the change.
I'm not sure when she'll be able to post next. I'll mention to the family to ask her from time to time if they could type something for her so as all those that have expressed so much care and concern will continue to be updated from time to time.
On a personal note, I want to thank all those that continue to have her in their thoughts and prayers and have supported her and the entire family through all of this. It's meant so very much.
I hope I did ok sis!! :)
Monday, September 11, 2006
September 11, 2006From Trish
My first morning with Penny, she mostly slept until about noon when she was more lucid and able to sit up for a while. She had a little fruit to eat in the morning and a tiny bit of peanut butter on a bun and some more fruit at lunch. That's probably the one thing that stood out right away is how little she is eating but thought she did pretty good at lunch time in that she ate both.
Shaving her legs, arm pits and then rubbing her feet and legs down with lotion seemed like a small thing to do and yet to her it meant the world. I'm sure also that part of the emotions involved stemmed from feeling like she's losing her independence. I hope she's realizes that it meant the world to me that I was able to do that for her. And that being able to touch her and rub her legs and feet gave me a sense of connection to her and a moment that I will cherish.
Shaving her legs, arm pits and then rubbing her feet and legs down with lotion seemed like a small thing to do and yet to her it meant the world. I'm sure also that part of the emotions involved stemmed from feeling like she's losing her independence. I hope she's realizes that it meant the world to me that I was able to do that for her. And that being able to touch her and rub her legs and feet gave me a sense of connection to her and a moment that I will cherish.
September 11, 2006No Sense of Time
Trish is typing this for me because I wanted to be sure people knew where things were at but it's just too hard to type and takes too much energy.
The radiation put a damper on the pain control again. We've had to up the meds for about a week and just now have dropped them a little bit. The radiation stopped the bleeding. The lumps are still there but I can tell they're starting to go away and aren't hurting quite so bad. I have the pain I think under control where it doesn't get much over 5 out of 10. I just have no strength and spend most of the day laying in bed. To get up to go to the washroom is my major undertaking in the day. So Micheal had to give me my first shower which was really hard. It's hard not having that independence. But now it's been a week and have gotten used to it. It felt so good today when Trish came and did the other important things like getting my legs shaved. Made me feel fresh and clean.
So now what? I don't know where this goes next. It seems like each week something new comes up that tells us time is getting shorter. So I guess this week the new thing is the jaundice that looks like it's here. So the nurse is going to come by tomorrow and do blood test. So we'll find out about that. My understanding is that it's probably the cancer moving into the liver. I have someone coming every day now which takes some pressure off Michael. It's hard to realize that this is probably the rest of my life. That there's not going to be alot of outings. Just visitors. People coming to see me. I'm very tired all the time and that can be from the radiation too. So hopefully that will get better by the end of this week. I'm still going to try to make a trip to Cranbrook to see my Grandmother one more time and hope to go by the end of the week, if all goes well.
I asked Trish to post on here anything that she might see while she is here visiting or that people might be interested in.
The radiation put a damper on the pain control again. We've had to up the meds for about a week and just now have dropped them a little bit. The radiation stopped the bleeding. The lumps are still there but I can tell they're starting to go away and aren't hurting quite so bad. I have the pain I think under control where it doesn't get much over 5 out of 10. I just have no strength and spend most of the day laying in bed. To get up to go to the washroom is my major undertaking in the day. So Micheal had to give me my first shower which was really hard. It's hard not having that independence. But now it's been a week and have gotten used to it. It felt so good today when Trish came and did the other important things like getting my legs shaved. Made me feel fresh and clean.
So now what? I don't know where this goes next. It seems like each week something new comes up that tells us time is getting shorter. So I guess this week the new thing is the jaundice that looks like it's here. So the nurse is going to come by tomorrow and do blood test. So we'll find out about that. My understanding is that it's probably the cancer moving into the liver. I have someone coming every day now which takes some pressure off Michael. It's hard to realize that this is probably the rest of my life. That there's not going to be alot of outings. Just visitors. People coming to see me. I'm very tired all the time and that can be from the radiation too. So hopefully that will get better by the end of this week. I'm still going to try to make a trip to Cranbrook to see my Grandmother one more time and hope to go by the end of the week, if all goes well.
I asked Trish to post on here anything that she might see while she is here visiting or that people might be interested in.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
August 31, 2006Radiation
My visit at the Cross today. Met with the Rad Onc at 10:30 and was told that he would go ahead with one more batch of radiation to stop the bleeding from the original tumor site once more. Said it's better to fix it while it's a small leak rather than try to fix it when the tap has broken right off. Due to the radiation having to come really close to the spine, he will not be able to do any more in that area after this. Does not want to damage the spinal cord. He did give me a high dose and said the side effects will be worse than the last batch I had done. Fatigue, skin burns, pain, coughing, but it should all subside in 5 days or so.
The other concern I had was the two lumps of cancer that have been growing on my left rib in two places. Very sore to the touch and makes it hard to even have clothes on by the one lump. He will be able to zap those away which will happen on Tuesday. The machine he needed to use wasn't available today otherwise it would of been done at the same time. Good news there. I'll be so glad to have those gone as they have been a major part of the pain for sure.
Had a terrible night last night. Was up all night again, taking breakthrough meds almost every hour until 4 am. By then I was finally able to get to sleep and slept until 6, then until 9 when my sister came to take me for my appointment.
The day went pretty well however. I even made a trip shopping with my sister after the Cross visit. Been a month since I've been in a store! Aaaaa the simple things we take for granted. :-)
I bought new dishes! hehehehehe
Let's pray tonight is a better night. Still feeling like the morphine is better than the oxycodone was doing.
The other concern I had was the two lumps of cancer that have been growing on my left rib in two places. Very sore to the touch and makes it hard to even have clothes on by the one lump. He will be able to zap those away which will happen on Tuesday. The machine he needed to use wasn't available today otherwise it would of been done at the same time. Good news there. I'll be so glad to have those gone as they have been a major part of the pain for sure.
Had a terrible night last night. Was up all night again, taking breakthrough meds almost every hour until 4 am. By then I was finally able to get to sleep and slept until 6, then until 9 when my sister came to take me for my appointment.
The day went pretty well however. I even made a trip shopping with my sister after the Cross visit. Been a month since I've been in a store! Aaaaa the simple things we take for granted. :-)
I bought new dishes! hehehehehe
Let's pray tonight is a better night. Still feeling like the morphine is better than the oxycodone was doing.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
August 29, 2006 #2What can you do?
Now that I'm feeling a little better I was thinking over the last month about what has been happening and how I might of done a better job of getting over the bumps in the road.
One thing that I realized is that it really is hard asking people for help. You want to stay so independant for as long as you can and it's was a real issue for me to let go and let others run the show for a while.
So where do you draw that line? How do you keep that independance and yet get the true help that you need and that people what to give to you? It's easy for people to come and spend time with you but how does that time go by? Do we both, me and the visitor, make the best use of that time in a way that makes both of us feel a sense of accomplishment and worthiness? To often, through pride, I think I found the time spent was just "passing" the time away.
What would be nice in the future, during these times that can be so hard? I think, for me, what I missed over the last month was time that would be given to me as a woman, time for a manicure, a massage, aroma therapy. Heck, even just shaving my legs. All those things would of been so nice and would of made me feel a part of living. Some thoughts for days down the road, for the darker times. Thanks to you who have asked what they could do.
And then there were all the wonderful things people did do!
Stopping in with a muffin was such a nice jesture, even when I couldn't throughly enjoyed it, it was wonderful. I worried about Michael not eating, bringing him a meal or two made my day. Thank you for all of you that did those things for me. It helped so much.
Running out to get me a special tea, buying me that crochet hook I so desperately needed right that minute, or taking the time to find a small treat, like running all over town looking for those fresh peas that I was craving. Friends, what a great thing to have!
Coming to just bring me a smile meant a lot to me. Thank you so much, everyone!
The short phone calls, knowing it was hard for me to talk, you still let me know you were there and understood. I thank you for that.
Thank you for helping us get this place in order, for helping Michael to make this our home and not just a house! The tree looks great Dad! :-) and we will cherise our lylic tree always.
So, remember, next time, I hope that I can accept your help and kindness in a much better spirit. This go around was hard to let go, to let others do. I'll try to be more accepting of it in the future. Just know that it meant the world to me even so!!
One thing that I realized is that it really is hard asking people for help. You want to stay so independant for as long as you can and it's was a real issue for me to let go and let others run the show for a while.
So where do you draw that line? How do you keep that independance and yet get the true help that you need and that people what to give to you? It's easy for people to come and spend time with you but how does that time go by? Do we both, me and the visitor, make the best use of that time in a way that makes both of us feel a sense of accomplishment and worthiness? To often, through pride, I think I found the time spent was just "passing" the time away.
What would be nice in the future, during these times that can be so hard? I think, for me, what I missed over the last month was time that would be given to me as a woman, time for a manicure, a massage, aroma therapy. Heck, even just shaving my legs. All those things would of been so nice and would of made me feel a part of living. Some thoughts for days down the road, for the darker times. Thanks to you who have asked what they could do.
And then there were all the wonderful things people did do!
Stopping in with a muffin was such a nice jesture, even when I couldn't throughly enjoyed it, it was wonderful. I worried about Michael not eating, bringing him a meal or two made my day. Thank you for all of you that did those things for me. It helped so much.
Running out to get me a special tea, buying me that crochet hook I so desperately needed right that minute, or taking the time to find a small treat, like running all over town looking for those fresh peas that I was craving. Friends, what a great thing to have!
Coming to just bring me a smile meant a lot to me. Thank you so much, everyone!
The short phone calls, knowing it was hard for me to talk, you still let me know you were there and understood. I thank you for that.
Thank you for helping us get this place in order, for helping Michael to make this our home and not just a house! The tree looks great Dad! :-) and we will cherise our lylic tree always.
So, remember, next time, I hope that I can accept your help and kindness in a much better spirit. This go around was hard to let go, to let others do. I'll try to be more accepting of it in the future. Just know that it meant the world to me even so!!
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