Monday, October 23, 2006

6 AM
Sat down to write this morning and I can’t remember much about Saturday other than Tanya spent the afternoon with us. A doctor came in for an hour or so to chat with Penny and Tanya and I, and Penny made some unusual observations about how she perceived things now. Where she is, where she is going.
I doubt that either of us will ever forget it.
Sunday was a very quiet day and the past couple of nights have been easy on Penny.

I read some of the comments and emails this morning, and thought I might respond to a couple of things.

Penny’s bed, for starters, is a computerized air bed that frequently re-adjusts automatically. I don’t think they have anything better than this. We purchased a dense foam topper like the one Penny had at home for the bed, and that seemed to help a lot. There is nothing else we could possibly do to make it more comfortable for her other than to just get her out of the damn thing once in a while. But she can’t.

And yes, typing this blog for her was very difficult at first. I have not been to work for 2 or 3 weeks now though, and have been living in the hospital room with Penny for the past month. So I did have a lot of time on my hands. I have a cot that I push up against her bed and sleep half on cot, half on Penny’s bed most of the time. The laptop has web access on the phone line in her room, so I can sit here beside her while I am typing this. Having her here beside me while I am typing makes it a lot easier.

It seems lately that Penny has been losing something on a daily basis. Her ability to get out of bed, her vision, the hot tub. Yesterday it was her IV, but with some difficulty they were able to get it hooked up again in the other arm. Today, it is her ability to talk again. It is not like last time when she had the symptoms of a stroke, and seemed out of touch. She is very much aware of what is being said and done, and can shake or nod her head a little, and moan a little louder for emphasis when she wants to say no. She started moaning nonstop in her sleep last night.

1 PM
Doctors were just here for a chat with Mom and Dad and I. Things really took a turn for the worse this morning. Penny was in an enormous amount of discomfort and pain this morning when the nurses had to move her around in bed a little. And they were being very gentle.
They have increased and added to her medication to keep her comfortable. They can go further with it, to make sure she is not awake at all, but she seems unconscious and unaware as it is already.
Her biggest fear of dying, in fact the only fear she felt that I know of is that she would not be able to breathe and would be conscious of that. Awake and suffocating. Even before she was sick she wouldn’t stick her head under water when we were swimming. She is having a great deal of difficulty with her breathing now, and they can’t fix that, but they can fix the awareness and awake part.

She lost a lot today.

Yesterday at this time she was teasing the doctor and I with her wit and humor. The doctor and I walked into the room just after the IV team left and were a little confused at first when we were looking at Penny and realized that she had two IV sites hooked up but they were not attached to anything on the IV pole. We both looked at Penny in confusion, and she smiled and said, ’gotchya’ or ‘got ya’. She knew what was going on, we didn’t. Nurse came in behind us and hooked it up.

10PM
You were right Christopher. It has been much easier writing this blog than having to repeat myself several times when someone inquires about Penny. Most of the people we know and care about read it. In that regard it has been a godsend because I start crying every time I have to talk about her. I cry all the time while I am writing this too, but at least I didn’t have to talk.

I can’t continue to write about it anymore either.

Mom and Dad are planning a memorial service for Penny. When that time comes, and for those of you who may want to join us in collectively saying farewell to Penny, I will post the details on here regarding when and where.

With that exception, this will be the last post in Penny’s blog.

Thank you all again for your kind messages and support.

To the staff at Grey Nun’s Hospital, and especially the staff in Palliative Care, thank you all so very much for everything you did for Penny during our stay with you.

Michael